why i'm glad to not be in high school anymore.

dear ****,
i would greatly appreciate it if you would stop acting like we're friends
i dont know where, or who youre getting this idea that we are from, because we're not
never have been, and never will be
so these pathetic 'please come to my graduation party' invites need to be put to and end
any questions...dont bother asking
kthanksbye

OMG ITS SOOOOOOO OPPOSITE DAY!! :)
of course i'll be there silly goose ♥

this was a wall post for my sister's friend's grad party facebook invite.
like totally...omg.

so i drove across the country.

and now i'm in ohio. great story, i know.

in the spirit of not giving myself anytime to relax (because for real...what does "relaxing" even mean?), i've taken on a lighting design for my old high school, and am ready to start my internship and waitress-ing job tomorrow. woo. the past few days i've been trying to settle in, unpack, and get ready for things. ready for what? i'm not sure. but i hope i'm ready.

i'm excited to work in a real newsroom. excited and nervous...i hope they don't think i'm a total idiot. but the plan is to go for a nice run in the morning, hang out with daniel, and then head over to 10TV and see what's up. then work at night and think about my aida design (for dshs)...then watch the blazers game (yay).

wow my life is so exciting. in other news, i had to get a waiver since i will be living at my house while also taking credits for byu (for my internship) and the paper literally says at the top: "i will be living at home." i want to meet the people who put together paperwork for byu and tell them to be a little more creative. f'real.

oh and i had chipotle today. my life is complete once again : )

happy anniversary to me.

that's right, kids. it's been a whole, entire year since me and the love of my life (lex) began our deeply awesome and wonderful relationship.

and what did we do to celebrate? oh. i'll tell you.
...we drove halfway across the country.

there was snow. there was barely-ten-feet-at-a-time visibility. there was crappy windshield wipers. there was fog. there was torrential rain storms and lightning. there was snacks, good music, and love. and now, sixteen hours of driving later...we're in iowa. and we're not going to lie and say that we love it. but we're here and we're together...just like we should be.

i love you, lex. i know we're both so young and we haven't been together for that long, but here's to many more fabulous years together. <3

NO...I DO NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ONE LAST TIME.

this has become such a love / hate thing for me. i love my friends. i love going different places, meeting new people, hanging out with them, whatever. but then suddenly...everyone's leaving. and then what?

saying goodbye every few months is incredibly taxing on a weak constitution, and i've gotten to the point where i almost just try to avoid it at all costs. i don't expect anyone to make a big deal about the fact that i'm leaving somewhere or coming back somewhere else...it just happens too frequently to keep making such a fuss about it.

so let's just be real for a second. if i haven't said goodbye to you, or i haven't agreed / offered to hang out ONE LAST TIME...take it as a compliment. i plan on seeing you again in the not-so-distant future. it's not that i haven't cherished the time we've spent together. i just have a house to clean, suitcases to pack, and other silly things to take care of.

i hate goodbyes. can you really blame me?

it's just too much, too often, too everything.

so how about a "see you later," instead?

surreal expectations.

i don't think i'm a very unreasonable person. i have realistic thoughts and goals. i cultivate friendships with people i enjoy being around and balance that with doing things i want to do alone. sometimes i like to run and sometimes i like to sit around and do nothing. i expect big things out of myself but try not to take everything so seriously. i am happy to be with people who can make me laugh and still care a lot for some people i never get to see. i always try to listen, love, forgive, remember, understand, smile, work, play, practice, and pay attention to the scenery.

and yet...i still expect people to read my mind.

i can't say it to your face. so i'll say it here:

-quit it.
-listen to me.
-call me back.
-stop calling.
-will things ever be the same?
-why don't you understand?
-wish you were here.
-i'm sorry.
-just relax.
-i miss you already.

if you know i'm trying to get you to read my mind and one of these statements belongs to you, feel free to pick it up and take it with you. thanks.

overall: finals week.

this is a reporters post. no bias -- just the facts; concise, but accurate.

monday - last day of classes (ish). shot standups with mikey. jamba juice -- pink star!!. last reporting / law classes. jazz game with matt (last home game of the regular seaon). yummy ice cream afterwards. good talking time. overall: a good day.

tuesday - last day of classes (f'realz). last n.t. class. worked for entire rest of the day (basically). worked in the newsroom. debated in social advocacy class. scavenger hunt for starburst jelly beans. found at albertson's (thanks mikey!) after many stores that (for whatever dumb reason) didn't have them. letters from iwo jima with jon. ruth's house for jazz game / antm / more tv things til late. overall: a good day.

wednesday - reading day numero uno. woke up. worked on studying. gym with ruth and laura to work out (hardcore). shower. dinner with andrew / ruth / drew. home to PLAY WITH THE NEW KITTY ALL NIGHT OMG. basically awesome. kitty loved american idol and transporter 2. relaxing, like today should be. overall: a good kitty day.

thursday - today! second reading day. had meeting this morning for children of eden (which is going to be awesome, but the meeting went WAY over) and came home to find beth, mikey and ginny already here to study for 325. probably the first time i've ever actually studied for a test with other people. also it was great. sold back some books (which it always feels like it's SO not worth it, but oh well. dollars are dollars) and now...i'm home. time to study, run, do whatever so i can be ready for my final tomorrow morning (7 a.m...yuck). overall: so far so good.

apparently, i like parenthesis. also slashes. even though "apparently" makes it sound like i have no clue why. thanks, COMMS325. xox.

paradigms.

i love life. it's so full of curveballs.

you'd think that after twenty-something years of figuring it out, i might be on to something. but nope. every day is a surprise. things happen that blow my mind and change the way i thought i knew it all to be. crazy.

i think that time, above all, changes so much. and although rejection is hard, it is so-exponentially-much better than regret. going out on a limb is scary, but the thought of never knowing one way or the other...the "what-if?'s"...that is so much worse.

i love that i can go from being anti-friends with someone to sharing deep, dark secrets with him (especially when i know he hasn't told anyone else, and i know i haven't either) a few short months later. i don't know why you told me. i don't know why i told you. none of it really makes sense, but in that same way, it sort of does. learning about people is what makes me love them (hah...although not necessarily be IN love with them). people never cease to amaze me.

i'm crossing my fingers for you, hun. good luck tomorrow. you can do it.

TOWED.

OVERALL PISSED.

and all in caps. that's all.

because...seriously?! $130?! wtf. it's not like some of us are trying to pay our way through college or anything. rrr.

thanks. andrew. alex. kris. sam. in that order. for helping me not do anything too irrational.

man. i haven't felt so enraged in such a long time. i don't really get angry about stuff. but this was just stupid. i parked my car so i could drop something off at someone's house and ended up talking for a minute and then when i got back...lex was gone. i mean, seriously!!

kris says i can't be too angry...they must have worked so dang fast to tow my car before i got back, and i'll admit, that's impressive. but still.

rrr.

then sings my soul.

the afternoon was mine to do with as i pleased. i pleased to eat some lunch. i pleased to reread all of the cases that i would need for my law paper (probably not really necessary...oh well). i even pleased to work on some other school things. aside from my reporter's-withdrawl, today was looking pretty great.

e b. w t b a f r t t s, s f w a a t, b a f, i n r, j t a t. b o l s l c? m h b b i j. w s t o a s i c n l f o a. i can't even put my finger on it...it's just always been like that. w t a a s o t, b, s, u s p, n p, e. h h a g n. well, actually h h a g f a s m n. t d s h f t t k m o c, a a, t d s m f k h b a e e t h. b n i t i o. h b i t f m o t s a h w c b f f r. h a g g. let's be real...i j c l h a.

anyways...there went basically my entire afternoon until i had to leave for class. i got a fabulous grade on the giant paper for my social advocacy in the media class and then went to work. it was this grammy award-winning gospel singer, and when i asked the piano guy if he had the song order or anything, he said no, but that they were going to decide which songs they wanted around seven (the show started at 7:30). they'd let me know after that. oh, but it might still change during the performance.

so around 7:18, the piano man gives me a scribbly list of song names and some tempos for me to match my lighting to: fast, slow and "easy." ...okay. so the show starts and the music happens and i match my lights to the songs like i'm supposed to.

it was kind of surreal in a way: a baptist singer in a theatre full of mormons, but there were some familiar songs and the audience started singing too. i mean, i believe what i believe, but obviously there are truths all around, and this concert was full of truth. he sang one of my favorite hymns, how great thou art, and i could feel...you know. it was just truth.

so now i'm home. i o o o t p, t o t h o w a, a f t s o s. because let's be real...i'm exhausted and i've got a lot still to work on in the morning. so now...to bed. probably the earliest i've gone all semester. a...b. f m d w i and i never know what to do about it.

so...this is a thursday.

i woke up at about 8 this morning. i felt pretty okay, considering the three.5 hours of sleep, and got all my stuff together and made it to my 9 a.m. class, chocolate slimfast in one hand and my favorite red notebook in the other. it's been raining and the worms are starting to be all over the place --...which leads me to wonder -- how do they get there? i never see them inching their way onto the sidewalks, and yet, there they are. maybe they get floated there with all the water. --which is pretty gross, but not altogether unusual. today is thursday. thursday's are my story days this semester. after class, i head over to the newsroom. somewhere in the back of my mind, i was thinking about the super-long law paper that is due by 5 p.m. tomorrow. and i seriously don't know when i'll get it done.

i find a few ideas for stories and i'm pretty excited, despite the knowledge that i have to work tonight and i will be shooting in the yucky rain and waking up at the crack of dawn to edit and put everything together and...when am i going to write my paper? i always feel like dying after finishing the show, plus there's the party after the show, and the dance party i want to go to in a.f. tonight and let's be honest. there's just not enough time in the world for everything that i want / need to do.

[[enter voice of reason.]]

the v.o.r. (beth) reminds me that i've already done enough stories (since i did two last week) and tells me i should just work on my paper. i remember that i have enough extra credit to have a decent grade without the extra package. i am suddenly torn.

so i make a choice. who knew i was such a massochistic workaholic?? -- that i'd actually want to do the story today and go to class and work tonight and then the party and then write the paper and then log my tape and edit my package in the morning and go to the party at one and have my paper ready before five and hang out with my sister before she goes to colorado for the weekend (sad face).

but that's not what i decided.

now i'm at home. it's just before noon and i have nothing slated for the afternoon besides my law paper. i might actually get it done before i have to go to class today, be able to revise it after work, and sleep tonight (omg). i don't even know what to do with myself.

it makes me sort of sad to think that i'm done reporting for the semester. looking back, it was an awful, terrible, knee-shaking, heart-wrenching semester, leaving me with many sleepless nights, silly standups, shaky b-roll and strangers that i fell in love with (because of their stories, of course). and last week, i furiously edited my package and vo/sot/vo, angry at myself for not thinking to double-check the tape (even though it SAID i still had 20 mins left...rrr) and got it all done with time to spare. it's funny to think that was the last time i'd ever edit a 325 package.

you never think it will be the last time for things until after the fact. and then you wonder if you might have changed things...if only you would have known it was the last time. i wonder if i would have done anything differently. i'm not really sure.

wow. this is so long. i'm going to go write my paper. i think talking about my reporting experience will need to be a totally separate post altogether.

the weather and other boring things.

the weather has been changing a lot lately. i'm not a scientist by any stretch of the term, but i know a few things from some books. and when the weather changes from "nice and warm" to "cold and snowy" to "warm and nice" to "drizzly and cool" and back and forth like that...there are some hardcore changes in pressure.

when you watch the weather, there are H's and L's all over that silly map with arrows and movements and things. i'm not entirely sure what that's all about either, but i know that means the pressure is changing, and it happens all across the country. it's science. BIG science.

but then there's also little science. like what happens inside your brain. my brain doesn't particularly like changes in pressure. for some reason, it seems to take the changes in weather very personally and proceeds to create a lot of pressure -- this creates a headache.

when i get a headache, i am not happy. sometimes i will get really quiet and unresponsive, people will ask what is wrong, i will ignore them, and this continues until i am finally able to go home, pop a couple excedrins, down some diet coke, turn off all the lights and take a nap until my headache goes away.

this is happening a lot lately. and when i take random naps during the day, i find myself awake at almost 3 in the morning, like i am right now.

the end.

my manifesto.

i believe that you have to be cruel to be kind.
i believe in making mistakes.
i believe that you never know until you try.
i believe in temples.
i believe that families are forever.
i believe that not all lemons should be made into lemonade.
i believe in the power of music.
i believe in maybelline mascara.
i believe that there are angels among us.
i believe in sunday morning, by maroon 5.
i believe that there's a little bit of good in everyone.
i believe that people can change.
i believe that mom can make everything better.
i believe in good books.
i believe that the future is as bright as our faith.
i believe in working hard.
i believe that good things come to those who wait.
i believe in sleeping when i'm tired.
i believe that bad days are okay.
i believe that the best is yet to come.

omg.

march is over.

FINALLY.